In The Words of Dr. Phil...

Note: Many moons have passed since this was originally written so I felt the need to edit it for clarity. Full disclosure: I’m often guilty of the transgressions described herein. The lesson will be repeated until it is learned. Date of original post, Wed, Apr 20, 2011.

"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" - Dr. Phil

I find that some people enjoy contradicting others. It's like it's a sport to them. It is a compulsive urge; one they cannot control, a constant, obsessive need to be right. 

When talking with some people, it does not matter if you are repeating well-known facts or making idle conversation. Your contributions are always met with outright contradiction. It is as if some people have a subconscious need to must prove they are more intelligent than everyone else is. Falling victim to this or witnessing it never leaves me with the impression that the offender is more knowledgeable or wiser. It has the opposite effect on me. I see a sad, outward statement of low self-esteem and their constant need to prove their self-worth to others. 

The ability to show others respect when they express their own thoughts and opinions, without being rude and making ad hominem attacks is simply good manners. It is possible to politely disagree with someone without contradicting them. Choosing your words carefully and responding without instigating an argument is about self-control, demonstrating the ability to listen for clarity and understanding, and a statement about your character. 

Sadly, some people completely lack the ability to express their thoughts in such a way that it is does not sound rude and disrespectful. Bluntness can be rude, though people will defend it by saying, "I'm just telling you how it is..." or "That's just how I am." In reality, these are just poor excuses for bad behavior. It remains that it is possible to express your opinion or disagree with someone without resorting to inflammatory remarks.

When people speak in absolutes, they are usually just expressing an opinion. Generally, they have no facts or evidence to support their position. When clearly proven wrong, they lack the ability to concede. They would rather instead argue ad infinitum like children. Oh, what fragile egos they have.

Do you really want to be known as the self-righteous, jerk who never thought they were wrong? If you cannot have a discussion or exchange of ideas with someone without contradicting them, interrupting them, or diminishing them in some way, then you will soon find that many people, sans those who sadistically thrive on discourse, will not want to associate with you. 

Life is not a never-ending contest. You don't always have to "win." You don’t always have to be right. Regrettably, to win at any cost seems to be a growing theme in today's society and we are passing on rudeness, hyper-competitiveness, bad manners and ineffective life skills to our children. Sooner or later, they are going to lose and how are they going to deal with that loss if they have no practical experience in gracefully admitting defeat.

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles, then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." — Socrates

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ..." - 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 

In life, don't strive to win at any cost. Play hard but play fair. Win or lose, the outcome of the contest should be the satisfaction of a game well played, a better understanding of your opponent, and hopefully a few lessons learned. A little humility is a good thing and exercising it will make you a better person.

So here I am, years after my first post. My body hurts. It just hurts. Do I regret anything? No.

A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle and patriotism is loyalty to that principle. 

George William Curtis 

These fallen heroes represent the character of a nation who has a long history of patriotism and honor - and a nation who has fought many battles to keep our country free from threats of terror. 

Michael N. Castle

How Not to Lead

How many toxic leaders have you been exposed to throughout your career?

I've experienced destructive leaders in both my military and civilian careers. It's a constant psychological battle when you encounter one on a daily basis and have to meet their insane and ever changing expectations. I first started reading about this topic after I worked under someone in the military who was borderline "toxic". And then I experienced another, and another. I most recently left a job where I worked for an individual who exemplified many of the traits of toxic leadership. They, and their habits, became easier to recognize over time. I'm happy to learn that the army is interested in this topic and is taking measures to stop this abusive form of leadership.

I highly recommend the book, "The Allure of Toxic Leaders" if you're struggling with this problem.

According to Army Doctrine Publication 6-22, "Toxic leadership is a combination of self-centered attitudes, motivations, and behaviors that have adverse effects on subordinates, the organization, and mission performance. This leader lacks concern for others and the climate of the organization, which leads to short- and long-term negative effects. The toxic leader operates with an inflated sense of self-worth and from acute self-interest. Toxic leaders consistently use dysfunctional behaviors to deceive, intimidate, coerce, or unfairly punish others to get what they want for themselves. The negative leader completes short-term requirements by operating at the bottom of the continuum of commitment, where followers respond to the positional power of their leader to fulfill requests. This may achieve results in the short term, but ignores the other leader competency categories of leads and develops. Prolonged use of negative leadership to influence followers undermines the followers' will, initiative, and potential and destroys unit morale." Read more...

Health Problems in Veterans Exposed to Toxic Environments

In 1991, as part of Operation Desert Storm, former U.S. Army Spc. Candy Lovett arrived in Kuwait a healthy 29-year-old eager to serve her country. Two decades later, she's accumulated a stack of medical records over five feet high -- none of which relates to injuries inflicted by bullets or shrapnel. "It's just been one thing after another," said the veteran, who now resides in Miami and whose ailments run the gamut from lung disease and sleep apnea to, most recently, terminal breast cancer. "At one point," she said, "I was on over 50 pills." Former Air Force Tech. Sgt. Tim Wymore, who was deployed to Iraq in 2004, suffers from an array of health problems that mirror Lovett's. "Everyone has the same things," said Wymore, who has inexplicably shed 40 pounds in the last few months. "It's just weird." Wymore and Lovett -- and countless others who served in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere in the desert region over the past three decades -- have struggled to understand this, but they share one nagging conviction: These ailments are tied to service in a war zone. Read More

TEApublican Senator From Georgia Says Military Rapes Are Caused By ‘Hormones’

"In a stunning statement that sounded like it came straight from the Todd Akin School of Biology, Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) said that military rapes are caused by “the hormone level created by nature." Source: Georgia Sen.: 'Hormones' Cause Military Rape

How a Bronze Star-winning Army doctor saved his troops in Iraq, but couldn't save himself | TIME.com

Dr. Peter Linnerooth spent nearly five years wearing an Army uniform, including the bloodiest 12 months in Iraq at the height of the surge. As a mental-health professional, his top mission was to keep troops from killing themselves. After he returned home, he spent another two years trying to save the vets he loved, working for the VA in California and Nevada.

Read more: How a Bronze Star-winning Army doctor saved his troops in Iraq, but couldn't save himself | TIME.com:

Slowly, Toxic Vets Get Recognition

"Some two million men and women have served in Iraq and Afghanistan since the wars began in 2001. Little did these individuals know that surviving the improvised explosive devices and insurgent gunfire wouldn't necessarily guarantee their health or survival once they got home." Slowly, Toxic Vets Get Recognition. Read more.

“The End of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” edited by J. Ford Huffman and TammyS. Schultz

Marine Corp University's book on the end of DADT presents an argument for the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act. 

"'The End of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell' is a timely and necessary book...and goes far beyond to articulate and make fully human the toll of DADT on many military service members and their loved ones." 

Read More:  Opinion on The End of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Natalie Dell: VA Researcher and Olympian

"VA Employee and Medal Winning Olympian Natalie Dell on Veterans and Never Giving Up:

The Olympics are filled with inspirational stories that bring the country together in celebration of exceptional accomplishment and national pride. And we at VA are very proud to share an inspiring story from one of our own, Natalie Dell—a Bronze Medal winner at the Summer Olympics."

Read more: Natalie Dell: VA Researcher and Olympian

Care for Those Who Risked it All...

One Shot, One Kill | Carl Prine

One Shot, One Kill | Carl Prine

"It blew to the right, 2 o’clock from the gun, and I’d just taken out the plug to listen to the patrol leader below, twisting the turret and me away from the steel shavings rising like black fireflies from the shoulder of Route Michigan.

Hours later I held a throbbing skull and my left ear felt like someone jabbed a broken chopstick through the drum."

Read more: http://www.lineofdeparture.com/2012/05/17/one-shot-one-kill/#ixzz1vEzXya77

Personality Disorder-Trashing Our Army for Profit | Veterans Today

Personality Disorder-Trashing Our Army for Profit | Veterans Today: "In a report today, the New York Times acknowledged the Army’s practice of diagnosing troops with Post Traumatic Stress as having “personality disorders.”
This makes them ineligible for benefits.  The number diagnosed as such is unknown, 26,000 at one point years ago, much higher now."

Toxic Trash Pits Take Toll on U.S. Soldiers - Wild Green - Utne Reader

And yet still another article on the subject of burn pits and their affects on Soldiers health.

Toxic Trash Pits Take Toll on U.S. Soldiers - Wild Green - Utne Reader:

'via Blog this'

Toxic Trash: The Burn Pits of Iraq and Afghanistan :: Oxford American - The Southern Magazine of Good Writing

Billy McKenna and Kevin Wilkins survived Iraq—and died at home. The Oxford American sent filmmaker Dave Anderson and journalist J. Malcolm Garcia to Florida to investigate this deadly threat to American soldiers.

Toxic Trash: The Burn Pits of Iraq and Afghanistan :: Oxford American - The Southern Magazine of Good Writing